Earlier this month, on the fifth, we celebrated our two year anniversary of Sir having placed his metal 'collar' of sorts on me. I've worn his titanium band about my right wrist for all but one afternoon of the last two years.
I've written about the band and its significance to us before, but looking back over my earlier writings here, I realize I've never written about Sir collaring me in the first place.
For some people a 'collaring' becomes a ritual, almost akin to a wedding, complete with a ceremony, and members of their community as witnesses, etc. For us, it was a very private act.
Before we had gotten together Sir had done a work related trip to San Francisco. Over the course of his time there he made a trip to Mr. S. where he purchased some tools, including cuffs and a simple leather collar. As he describes it, on the feeling that he might be needing them eventually. On that same trip he also explored other parts of the CA coastline that years later he would bring me back to.
Going to those places together, years after his trip, showing me those places special to him was very important for us. They were places he enjoyed and thought of sharing with a partner long before we came together. To finally go there with him, and see them through his eyes, was a way of getting to know him and draw closer to him.
He did not put the collar upon me the night he first whipped me, nor did he place it around my neck soon thereafter when he came out to me and we first disappeared into a hotel suite together.
It was later, after I had come home with him and stayed at his apartment for almost an unexpected month long visit. I spent my days being his, lying across his black leather couch reading books and wearing his cuffs, waiting for him to return, or dressing and going out for walks around a nearby lake. In the evenings sometimes we would go out, other times, we spent quiet evenings home, realizing slowly how well we fit together how comfortable it was being together. How we could share a small space together yet not be in one another's way.
In love and in gratitude, I did small things, making the bed, tidying the apartment, washing dishes, and most of all, learning the small ways in which I found myself his. It was a time of massive changes in both our lives, yet somehow we had found one another.
Near the end of the month, not long before I was to return to my home, an otherwise ordinary evening changed everything for us. We had decided to eat in, Sir had cooked, which was not unusual for him. As we sat down to dinner we ended up having a discussion that amounted to (to vastly oversimplify) essentially a variation on 'eat your veggies.' Particular veggies I was certainly no fan of, and had an unfortunate 'history' with in childhood, but by the end of the meal he had convinced me to reluctantly nibble.
Ordinary as such may seem, after dinner, I found myself crying, not in that he had done something I didn't want him to, but in that I realized he was at times better for me, than I was to myself. Writing it, I suppose it sounds silly, but I had come to the realization that he was very good for me.
Being Queer, finding such in Sir, particularly so soon after the relationship with my wife ended, was in many ways very confusing. At times it all felt too soon, even as it felt so right. I was very guarded, afraid of throwing myself into someone new as some form of coping mechanism to deal with my sorrow and my loss.
Yet that month together showed me that this was more than merely a matter of grasping at someone, it somehow genuinely worked, and was growing into a relationship in its own right even as I at times hesitated, and perhaps most of all, I came to understand how much Sir genuinely cared about me and my own well being.
In that time together I had come to call him Sir, even as he felt odd about it. He had never envisioned himself as a "Sir" and did not know what to make of me calling him such. I, on the other hand, recognized almost from the beginning what he was, and what he was in relation to me. Nor did we say "I love you" back then. It took a long time before we came to that point.
But that particular evening, after I came to realize that yes, he cared deeply for me and my wellfare was when we came through to collaring me. I would be leaving soon, and no doubt the impending separation had some to do with it, but we had come to the strange realization that somehow we 'worked' together.
I laid across the bed in his bedroom and he asked me if the collar was what I wanted, if I would choose to be his? I thought for a long minute. We were less than 2 1/2 months into the relationship, it was less than a year since I had been in my previous relationship, in some ways it all felt so soon, and yet, it felt right.
I looked him in the eye and gave my assent. He placed the stiff new leather collar, a simple black band with two D rings, one at the front, and the other at the back that fit through a notch made for it around my neck. He unlocked a small padlock, slid it through the back back ring, locking the collar firmly around my throat. I slept beside him that night with his collar around my neck.
It was between the two of us, a private thing. There was no explicit detailing of what all being his would entail, to this day I think we're both still learning. But it was an absolute commitment for both of us, and I've always felt honoured to wear his collar.
The lack of 'spelling it all out' has at times been difficult, particularly for me. But whatever the hardships have been along the way, I'm still his.
After ten years together, we came to a point where it was rare for him to place the now well worn and cared for leather collar around my neck.
It can also be awkward at times. Being S/switch, it can be difficult for me to clearly signal my orientation while wearing a collar. There are times when wearing such is fully appropriate, but others when it can create confusion, not for us, but for those unfamiliar with our dynamic.
So to mark those ten years, and by way of putting a 'more permanent' collar or sorts on me, over the final Ohio Leather Fest Sir happened across the appropriate token, the locking band of titanium I now wear about my wrist. Rings on tapering fingers are removed easily by comparison. The hinged bracelet must be unlocked to be removed. I consider it a stronger commitment than a wedding ring.
Now I've worn the metal band for two years. Sir holds the key. I have an 'emergencies only' key for my own safety for when he is not present. In all, I've worn forms of his collar for close to 12 years now.
On our last trip through San Francisco, we stopped by Mr. S. and found a slightly more elaborate leather collar with a locking hasp that eventually we will have occasion for. As of yet, it waits, still unworn, for that day.
As some of you have no doubt noticed by now I often find myself writing about anniversaries and how long Sir and I have been together. I often mark the passing of time, be it the seasons, or the dates that matter only to Sir and I. Likely, it has much to do with how new all of this still is to me. I've never been in a relationship that lasted a decade before.
I sometimes see workshop presenters bios in which they remark upon having been 'in the scene' for five years or such. I can't help but feel not only the length of time I've been at this (I sometimes feel like such a dinosaur!) but also the time that Sir and I have been at this together.
Don't get me wrong, I still 'buck' plenty, and doubt, and question, and feel downright exasperated at times with some of the lack of focus or definition, but I can't imagine my life without him, and without being his. I never take that light band of metal around my wrist for granted.
Marking the anniversaries is but one way of saying I'm still aware of how special, how amazing, and how new this all is to me.
Thank you, Sir.
Showing posts with label Ohio Leather Fest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ohio Leather Fest. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Saturday, September 29, 2007
with Midori last weekend- ropes
Obviously there's a lot to write, I'm going to try to keep this relatively short, actually.
Sir and I spent last weekend in Philadelphia going to classes with Midori thanks to Passional. Much as we would have liked to make the first workshop (blowjobs) traffic made that a pipe dream. So we enjoyed an nice dinner of wonderful Cajun food instead. Afterwards, we drove into Philly, settled into our hotel, unpacked read our mail, took a quick shower, and relaxed. All in all, a far more civilized start to the weekend than rushing around would have been. Later, we settled into bed together, talked for awhile, and then one thing led to another. Suffice it to say, Sir got me into one hell of a head space, and I slept really well.
Unfortunately, we almost slept too well, and ran a little late the next morning. Everything would have been fine, had we either done room service or not had to try two different restaurants before finally getting breakfast (the first was an ugly mob scene), but in the end breakfast was a nice dinner where I could bang my coffee cup happily enough.
Since we had not done workshops at Passional before it took a little 'pulling it together' to deal with parking (hint, the nearby lot, while expensive is the best bet) and then realize the workshop was not actually at the shop, but several doors down the street where they will soon be opening a second location. But in the end we got in before the workshop began with enough time left over to catch our breath. We were certainly not the last of the stragglers to make it in, and unlike some folks, we at least had to good sense enough to turn off our cell phones before the workshop began (oh pet peeve!)
So Saturday was rope day- two rope workshops, one on basic rope bondage, the other on body harnesses. The first was a good overview and the rope scene Midori did as instruction for our deconstruction was in a word, HOT. An ongoing theme throughout the weekend would turn out to be how much those participating in the instructional scenes seemed to enjoy the idea of being tied up or flogged by Midori herself. No doubt a certain amount of author/superstardom enters into it- at least for the audience members.
Midori herself happily identifies as somewhat of a "big dork" who is somewhat awestruck that this is her actual life. I can completely understand that. But both self identification and audience perceptions aside, Midori is an educator and has a wonderful sense of humour.
In any case, the first workshop in many ways was very much review for me, although I was interested in how she taught it, and how it would provide the basis for her second workshop.
Personally, I found Lee (Brigit) Harrington's rope bondage for sex at Ohio Leather Fest a little over a year ago a bit more practical for what I do.
That said, the second workshop, body harnesses, was probably the most useful part of the weekend for me. I'm a very visual learner and someone who enjoys learning by doing, so while rope books can teach me some things, it's more constructive for me to actually be in a hands on workshop space like that.
The other rather amusing bit (in both rope workshops, actually) was that we divided the audience into partner A and partner B, first partner A worked along with Midori showing the tie, then partner B got to follow along and also do the same. What this meant in practice was that first Sir tied me up and then I got to tie him up- something I'd barely ever done before.
Doing a full body harness on him was kind of interesting, not only from the power dynamic stance, but also in that even when I'm the dominant partner, I don't tie men up. (Not my thing). So naturally one has to adjust their ropes to the topography of their intended victim, errrr model. It made for an interesting, but ultimately confirmed for me, I'm not into being dominant with men. The very being with Sir in the first place, while not a complete fluke, is not my primary personal identification.
Body harnesses, though, are great fun. (And yes, when done right, they can look all 'domly' too, don't get me wrong!)
I once wore a lovely Hishi Karada (diamond pattern [rope] body [harness]) at a party after playing 'demo model'. This may not sound all that special, but at the time, the technique wasn't all over the place, it wasn't in easily accessed books, it wasn't as nearby at the net, there was no shibaricon, and simply put, it was something completely different, and it felt incredible. I was very honoured. At the time, here on the east coast, these techniques were in the hands of people who had learned them (sometimes out on the west coast, sometimes in other parties, etc) and they in turn taught them to other friends in spaces like private parties. Looking back, I'm realizing what a different time that was, and how special it was to actually have been running around that party back then in that harness.
It was also one of my first brushes with people at a party paying attention to me not for me as myself, but to me as an example of an artist's technique. Under normal circumstances, I'm not a party attention slut, but I don't mind that kind of attention at all- that being a living work of someone else's artistry.
So working through some of the harnesses, and some of the harnesses in Midori's book ("The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage") was very helpful. The illustrations came to life under my own fingers and ropes, and the end result (yes even on Sir!) was very gratifying.
I've decided to actually break apart the weekend into several posts, but I will add on last thing here on the "ropes" post. I'd been really interested in looking into Midori's 'Rope Dojo' (http://www.ropedojo.com/) despite the expense. (I understand it, I just don't know if I personally am willing.) So I thought these two rope workshops with her this weekend would be sort of a nice getting my feel wet. I'd see what I thought of her as an instructor, see whether or not I was enjoying the rope workshops, and whether or not I'd like to try to align my schedule and travel to someday spend a weekend doing the Dojo. If anything, I was a little disappointed I was missing her NY Dojo this Fall.
Well, it now having been a week since our Philly workshops, I'm very seriously considering the Dojo, and there's a very real possibility that one is coming to our area soon- knock wood.
I've also told Sir to pencil in Shibaricon in Chicago next year. It would make a nice birthday present- and we have many other reasons to get to Chicago, not the least of which being the Leather Archives and Museum.
Sir and I spent last weekend in Philadelphia going to classes with Midori thanks to Passional. Much as we would have liked to make the first workshop (blowjobs) traffic made that a pipe dream. So we enjoyed an nice dinner of wonderful Cajun food instead. Afterwards, we drove into Philly, settled into our hotel, unpacked read our mail, took a quick shower, and relaxed. All in all, a far more civilized start to the weekend than rushing around would have been. Later, we settled into bed together, talked for awhile, and then one thing led to another. Suffice it to say, Sir got me into one hell of a head space, and I slept really well.
Unfortunately, we almost slept too well, and ran a little late the next morning. Everything would have been fine, had we either done room service or not had to try two different restaurants before finally getting breakfast (the first was an ugly mob scene), but in the end breakfast was a nice dinner where I could bang my coffee cup happily enough.
Since we had not done workshops at Passional before it took a little 'pulling it together' to deal with parking (hint, the nearby lot, while expensive is the best bet) and then realize the workshop was not actually at the shop, but several doors down the street where they will soon be opening a second location. But in the end we got in before the workshop began with enough time left over to catch our breath. We were certainly not the last of the stragglers to make it in, and unlike some folks, we at least had to good sense enough to turn off our cell phones before the workshop began (oh pet peeve!)
So Saturday was rope day- two rope workshops, one on basic rope bondage, the other on body harnesses. The first was a good overview and the rope scene Midori did as instruction for our deconstruction was in a word, HOT. An ongoing theme throughout the weekend would turn out to be how much those participating in the instructional scenes seemed to enjoy the idea of being tied up or flogged by Midori herself. No doubt a certain amount of author/superstardom enters into it- at least for the audience members.
Midori herself happily identifies as somewhat of a "big dork" who is somewhat awestruck that this is her actual life. I can completely understand that. But both self identification and audience perceptions aside, Midori is an educator and has a wonderful sense of humour.
In any case, the first workshop in many ways was very much review for me, although I was interested in how she taught it, and how it would provide the basis for her second workshop.
Personally, I found Lee (Brigit) Harrington's rope bondage for sex at Ohio Leather Fest a little over a year ago a bit more practical for what I do.
That said, the second workshop, body harnesses, was probably the most useful part of the weekend for me. I'm a very visual learner and someone who enjoys learning by doing, so while rope books can teach me some things, it's more constructive for me to actually be in a hands on workshop space like that.
The other rather amusing bit (in both rope workshops, actually) was that we divided the audience into partner A and partner B, first partner A worked along with Midori showing the tie, then partner B got to follow along and also do the same. What this meant in practice was that first Sir tied me up and then I got to tie him up- something I'd barely ever done before.
Doing a full body harness on him was kind of interesting, not only from the power dynamic stance, but also in that even when I'm the dominant partner, I don't tie men up. (Not my thing). So naturally one has to adjust their ropes to the topography of their intended victim, errrr model. It made for an interesting, but ultimately confirmed for me, I'm not into being dominant with men. The very being with Sir in the first place, while not a complete fluke, is not my primary personal identification.
Body harnesses, though, are great fun. (And yes, when done right, they can look all 'domly' too, don't get me wrong!)
I once wore a lovely Hishi Karada (diamond pattern [rope] body [harness]) at a party after playing 'demo model'. This may not sound all that special, but at the time, the technique wasn't all over the place, it wasn't in easily accessed books, it wasn't as nearby at the net, there was no shibaricon, and simply put, it was something completely different, and it felt incredible. I was very honoured. At the time, here on the east coast, these techniques were in the hands of people who had learned them (sometimes out on the west coast, sometimes in other parties, etc) and they in turn taught them to other friends in spaces like private parties. Looking back, I'm realizing what a different time that was, and how special it was to actually have been running around that party back then in that harness.
It was also one of my first brushes with people at a party paying attention to me not for me as myself, but to me as an example of an artist's technique. Under normal circumstances, I'm not a party attention slut, but I don't mind that kind of attention at all- that being a living work of someone else's artistry.
So working through some of the harnesses, and some of the harnesses in Midori's book ("The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage") was very helpful. The illustrations came to life under my own fingers and ropes, and the end result (yes even on Sir!) was very gratifying.
I've decided to actually break apart the weekend into several posts, but I will add on last thing here on the "ropes" post. I'd been really interested in looking into Midori's 'Rope Dojo' (http://www.ropedojo.com/) despite the expense. (I understand it, I just don't know if I personally am willing.) So I thought these two rope workshops with her this weekend would be sort of a nice getting my feel wet. I'd see what I thought of her as an instructor, see whether or not I was enjoying the rope workshops, and whether or not I'd like to try to align my schedule and travel to someday spend a weekend doing the Dojo. If anything, I was a little disappointed I was missing her NY Dojo this Fall.
Well, it now having been a week since our Philly workshops, I'm very seriously considering the Dojo, and there's a very real possibility that one is coming to our area soon- knock wood.
I've also told Sir to pencil in Shibaricon in Chicago next year. It would make a nice birthday present- and we have many other reasons to get to Chicago, not the least of which being the Leather Archives and Museum.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Corsetry
So to backtrack a bit, finally, as I mentioned, after we attended the Floating World we went to Philadelphia for an afternoon for some corset shopping at Passional, (as their specialty is corsets.) It was our first time actually visiting the shop, despite the fact that over a year ago at the Ohio Leather Fest we had found several treasures from them. One being a lovely black satin waist cincher, the other being the piece I wear ever minute of every day, the titanium band locked around my wrist, that I wear as a form of 'collar'.
When last we were out in San Francisco, we had wanted to try to set a custom corset fitting at Romantasy, but in the end our timing didn't work out. Eventually, we hope to have a custom piece created, made to my curves, but for now, we decided to look into what would or would not work in terms of a prefabricated piece. So we spent some of our afternoon trying on a variety of leather corsets, until we were certain we had found exactly the right one.
It is described, thusly on their website-
"Underbust Corset- Black 100% genuine calfskin leather. Constructed with 26 flexible spiral steel stays, a steel busk, 4 steel bars in the back to support the grommets and 2 steel bars adjacent to the busk in the front. The outer fabric is laminated to a cotton twill fabric and then lined again with a cotton fabric. Laced with black shoe lace and includes garter belt loops."
Simply put, it's lovely. And it feels exquisite.
Since returning home, we have been slowly 'breaking it in', letting it adjust to my shape and letting me adjust to it. In time, we will begin to lace it more tightly. Yet even without the tight lacing, the compression and change in posture feels wonderful.
All of which, I suppose has been the background leading up to the lovely afternoon we spent two days ago. Sir and I enjoyed an early afternoon up in our room; talking and holding one another, then lacing me into the leather corset, toying with me on black satin sheets, working a cold steel tool into me, and finally making love to me.
An uninformed onlooker might mistake such as not that far from 'vanilla' sex, but I assure you, this had as much to do with what was happening between my ears as what was happening between my legs.
Corsets are not fashion to me, they have everything to do with fetish, and only so much more so for being constructed of the soft black kidskin. I don't consider this leather I have earned, but it is leather my Sir places upon me, and I wear with pride and pleasure.
When last we were out in San Francisco, we had wanted to try to set a custom corset fitting at Romantasy, but in the end our timing didn't work out. Eventually, we hope to have a custom piece created, made to my curves, but for now, we decided to look into what would or would not work in terms of a prefabricated piece. So we spent some of our afternoon trying on a variety of leather corsets, until we were certain we had found exactly the right one.
It is described, thusly on their website-
"Underbust Corset- Black 100% genuine calfskin leather. Constructed with 26 flexible spiral steel stays, a steel busk, 4 steel bars in the back to support the grommets and 2 steel bars adjacent to the busk in the front. The outer fabric is laminated to a cotton twill fabric and then lined again with a cotton fabric. Laced with black shoe lace and includes garter belt loops."
Simply put, it's lovely. And it feels exquisite.
Since returning home, we have been slowly 'breaking it in', letting it adjust to my shape and letting me adjust to it. In time, we will begin to lace it more tightly. Yet even without the tight lacing, the compression and change in posture feels wonderful.
All of which, I suppose has been the background leading up to the lovely afternoon we spent two days ago. Sir and I enjoyed an early afternoon up in our room; talking and holding one another, then lacing me into the leather corset, toying with me on black satin sheets, working a cold steel tool into me, and finally making love to me.
An uninformed onlooker might mistake such as not that far from 'vanilla' sex, but I assure you, this had as much to do with what was happening between my ears as what was happening between my legs.
Corsets are not fashion to me, they have everything to do with fetish, and only so much more so for being constructed of the soft black kidskin. I don't consider this leather I have earned, but it is leather my Sir places upon me, and I wear with pride and pleasure.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Pulling across some older writings & Writing Profiles
Today, I'm going to move some of my older, other leather related writings across to this blog.
I've been going back through some of what I've written before now as we prepare to go to Floating World.
I'll start with a diary entry from July '06, I was faced with trying to write a short summary profile of myself for the final Ohio Leather Fest. This is not the profile, but the thought process that went into the writing;
No part of my life lends itself to summaries like that- yet that's exactly what I'm trying to get out digitally at the moment; a bio of sorts. So as usual, I'm stuck.
Worse, I'm not just trying to describe what I am, I'm also trying to set up some very basic gates of what I'm not, so as to avoid certain easily made incorrect assumptions about me. People tend to make all kinds of assumptions not merely based on their projections and what vibe the pick up on, but yes, in person I do actual intentionally wear certain symbiology under the right conditions- however, those signals may not equally apply to say for instance, all genders equally, etc. (That's a really opaque way of saying what I'm trying to express. Let's try that again... .)
Ok, so some examples- I wear a collar- that does not mean I'm monogamous. Sometimes I wear a black bandanna and my keys on the left (signaling being a 'Top' or 'Domme', for complete lack of language). Firstly, what people need to understand is that does not mean I will top YOU- just any ole you in just any ole situation. Further, it does not mean I will "Top/Domme" men- in actuality I almost exclusively "Top/Domme" womyn. Not confused yet? Fine. Just keep in mind, the next night I may well show up wearing my keys on the right, stilettos locked around my ankles, in full "bottom"/"property" mode.
Now ready for bonus round confusion? I've been known to wear a locked collar around my neck, keys on the left, with bandanna, and heavy flogger on my belt. What's it mean? Well I belong to my Sir, and it is by his permission that I have the freedom I want to express these ("Top"/"Domme") parts of myself. I never forget I am His, but I'm also free to be myself.
So how in the hell do I summarize any of the realities of my life, distilled down into something that makes any sense to others?
I've been accused (lovingly!) of having San Francisco "pansexual" sensibilities about these things. I find this hysterical as at times, as in some spaces SF is even more tightly wound up about role, and 'proper ways of doing things' than most people imagine. There are times SF tends to make me wanna run the opposite direction rapidly. But I can see how all these things that get tangled up into nice neat little parameters and boundaries on this coast, in some spaces and times just don't always shake out that way on the sunset coast. "Bi" and "S/switch" and "pansexual" communities SOMETIMES eeeeek out a bit more space in the community there than in other cities- if only because SF is where so many have run to.
At its most basic, labels, containers, properly defined 'identities' just break when held up to how I live my life.
But then, I'm still looking for spaces with Queer sensibility that could somehow deal with Sir and I (an opposite gendered couple) as something other than a 'heterosexual' couple. Neither of us identify that way- despite the fact that Sir only sleeps with womyn. Politically, and sexually- as Queer Nation always defined "Queer" both Sir and I are best filed there-under.
So here I am again, staring at a blank sheet of paper and trying for the life of me to define basic linguistic assumptions I use in describing my life- like Queer, that no one else really has anymore- if they ever did.
Even a simple websearch on "Queer Nation" will come up with some hits, but very little by way of how QN used that word. And that's a fucking travesty- as that was perhaps one of the largest and most important legacies of QN.
There's this void that surely SOMEONE should have that up by now, but no. So how do I write even a simple profile using words that the meanings of as I use them are not only not in common usage, but are not anywhere digital I can point people at? As always, it seems, in order to even do the most basic job of trying to communicate I need instead to put the 'building blocks' of how I use language up first- and that's not going to happen right now.
Then there are places where there just is no language. What's the word for a womyn who almost exclusively dominates other womyn? A womyn who almost exclusively serves not men, but one particular Sir? There is no language for the fact that my life-partner is an exception to my usual desires and practices. What are words beyond "Top", "Dominant", "Domme" etc? We need new and descriptive language more badly than I can possibly express.
I've been going back through some of what I've written before now as we prepare to go to Floating World.
I'll start with a diary entry from July '06, I was faced with trying to write a short summary profile of myself for the final Ohio Leather Fest. This is not the profile, but the thought process that went into the writing;
Ever tried to summarize portions of your life in a few sentences?
No part of my life lends itself to summaries like that- yet that's exactly what I'm trying to get out digitally at the moment; a bio of sorts. So as usual, I'm stuck.
Worse, I'm not just trying to describe what I am, I'm also trying to set up some very basic gates of what I'm not, so as to avoid certain easily made incorrect assumptions about me. People tend to make all kinds of assumptions not merely based on their projections and what vibe the pick up on, but yes, in person I do actual intentionally wear certain symbiology under the right conditions- however, those signals may not equally apply to say for instance, all genders equally, etc. (That's a really opaque way of saying what I'm trying to express. Let's try that again... .)
Ok, so some examples- I wear a collar- that does not mean I'm monogamous. Sometimes I wear a black bandanna and my keys on the left (signaling being a 'Top' or 'Domme', for complete lack of language). Firstly, what people need to understand is that does not mean I will top YOU- just any ole you in just any ole situation. Further, it does not mean I will "Top/Domme" men- in actuality I almost exclusively "Top/Domme" womyn. Not confused yet? Fine. Just keep in mind, the next night I may well show up wearing my keys on the right, stilettos locked around my ankles, in full "bottom"/"property" mode.
Now ready for bonus round confusion? I've been known to wear a locked collar around my neck, keys on the left, with bandanna, and heavy flogger on my belt. What's it mean? Well I belong to my Sir, and it is by his permission that I have the freedom I want to express these ("Top"/"Domme") parts of myself. I never forget I am His, but I'm also free to be myself.
So how in the hell do I summarize any of the realities of my life, distilled down into something that makes any sense to others?
I've been accused (lovingly!) of having San Francisco "pansexual" sensibilities about these things. I find this hysterical as at times, as in some spaces SF is even more tightly wound up about role, and 'proper ways of doing things' than most people imagine. There are times SF tends to make me wanna run the opposite direction rapidly. But I can see how all these things that get tangled up into nice neat little parameters and boundaries on this coast, in some spaces and times just don't always shake out that way on the sunset coast. "Bi" and "S/switch" and "pansexual" communities SOMETIMES eeeeek out a bit more space in the community there than in other cities- if only because SF is where so many have run to.
At its most basic, labels, containers, properly defined 'identities' just break when held up to how I live my life.
But then, I'm still looking for spaces with Queer sensibility that could somehow deal with Sir and I (an opposite gendered couple) as something other than a 'heterosexual' couple. Neither of us identify that way- despite the fact that Sir only sleeps with womyn. Politically, and sexually- as Queer Nation always defined "Queer" both Sir and I are best filed there-under.
So here I am again, staring at a blank sheet of paper and trying for the life of me to define basic linguistic assumptions I use in describing my life- like Queer, that no one else really has anymore- if they ever did.
Even a simple websearch on "Queer Nation" will come up with some hits, but very little by way of how QN used that word. And that's a fucking travesty- as that was perhaps one of the largest and most important legacies of QN.
There's this void that surely SOMEONE should have that up by now, but no. So how do I write even a simple profile using words that the meanings of as I use them are not only not in common usage, but are not anywhere digital I can point people at? As always, it seems, in order to even do the most basic job of trying to communicate I need instead to put the 'building blocks' of how I use language up first- and that's not going to happen right now.
Then there are places where there just is no language. What's the word for a womyn who almost exclusively dominates other womyn? A womyn who almost exclusively serves not men, but one particular Sir? There is no language for the fact that my life-partner is an exception to my usual desires and practices. What are words beyond "Top", "Dominant", "Domme" etc? We need new and descriptive language more badly than I can possibly express.
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