Leaving for BRXX today

So for what it's worth, we're off to Black Rose XX this evening. The packing is MOSTLY under control. I was up far too late last night trying to decide what of all the tools I didn't need to pack. Yes, we've reached the odd point of not what to pack, but of what not to pack.

Personally, I'm convinced that once we're at the hotel and settled in I'll somehow have an absolute need for something I left, that usual ONE THING I didn't know I needed, until I did. Maybe someday I'll get this down to some form of exact science, in the mean time, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to keep everything together, organized, and safe.

Oh, and how to keep crinoline from wrinkling to death. These are the life skills they never taught us in home ec, how to keep fetishwear looking fresh in an overstuffed suitcase... .

We're still at home, but already I've seen a few things that really have me wondering as to how much of this we're actually going to be able to enjoy. At this moment, I'd say we're tottering on some edge between 'deeply conflicted' and 'tell me again why we're doing this?'

But that was part of the point, to see what it looks like over there, complete with all BR's history, underlying assumptions, and 'inside the beltway-ness'. But then, me? I've never really gotten my head around the primarily 'het' end of this. Not that BR specifically is, it just seems to so often end up primarily that way.

Not in that the people themselves always identify as het, but in that history and visibility-wise that's the impression left. While there will be leather and Queers, it's not Leather, for lack of a better way of putting it (with the history and social protocols that entails,) and BR 'queerness' sometimes seems to come down to 'bi-sexual when my owner wants'- almost universally on womyn's profiles. Bi as activity not as identity.

Worse, people tend to mistake Sir and I for a 'het' couple, which annoys me. We're always more complicated than first glance impressions, but many people never get beyond such. Then again, those (who dismiss at first glance based on assumptions) may be the very people I would ultimately find myself least interested in spending time with, as well.

So it's an 'adventure'. BR is its own thing, and part of the reason we decided to go in the first place was to see exactly that.

To the extent I can I'm trying to maintain both an openness to the experience itself and willingness to take fun where I find it. Who knows, I may find myself in the midst of a better time than I anticipate. It is always possible that we'll run across some really interesting people and have a lot to talk about.

I'm actually trying to be somewhat social (despite my hide under a rock tendencies.) I'm interested in meeting other womyn at the event. Naturally, they appear to have only set one night for the womyn's only dungeon, and of course, it's relatively early on in the event, and the womyn's meet-up of sorts is the following day. Completely backwards. That would be an event scheduling pet peeve of mine, it's a structural problem. In any case, some folks will be around at the meet and mingle tonight, so we're aiming to be in for that.

Some of it will no doubt annoy the hell out of me, but if nothing else, the National Gallery of Art is nearby, there are plenty of good restaurants, and there's nothing stopping us from going up to our room, closing the door and enjoying some 'us' time.

Registered for Black Rose XX today

No huge news here, just the fact that we finally got around to registering and setting up our hotel arrangements.

I find myself having the same sort of reaction I often have in relation to Black Rose, their website, the way they relate to the broader community, etc- somewhat annoyed, and somewhat in need of a shower afterwards. (I know, not the nicest thing to say, but that is the way I end up feeling, no matter how hard or often I try to 'give it a chance'). And no, for the most part, I can't go into specifics here because some of what I'm reacting to is related to 'attendees only' aspects of the event site. In the end, it comes down to understanding some of BR's history, and having an honest disagreement with the way they do certain things.

So why are we going then? Suffice it to say, we knew, long before we decided to go, that this was in some ways sure, fun and learning, and workshops and presenters, and people and all the rest, but also part sociology, and looking at the subculture that BR has created in its corner of the Kinky universe (AND spreads beyond their own group). I suppose part of the reason we decided to go was that we felt it important to see with our own eyes.

While we will go for our own reasons, (as always when we go to any event), I feel it's important to go, and look, and listen, if for no other reason than to look closely at some of the ways in which BR influences other groups, nationally, concerning things such as 'standardization' of dungeon monitor trainings, Leather Leadership Conferences, and educational interface with non-kinky people, (police, etc.).

In the end we decided not to sign up for some of the add on special events, such as the "20th anniversary formal banquet"or other things such as the "Victorian Tea". Much as I do enjoy proper service, I'd be far more interested in a full Japanese Tea Ceremony. But that will have to wait until Shibaricon.

So all that said, while this blog is by no means private, I haven't entered it under my profile for BR either.

Sir actually has his 'party card' from a billion years ago. This being their 20th anniversary, no doubt quite a few old faces may come out of the woodwork with ancient party cards to match- or not.

Pulling across some older writings & Writing Profiles

Today, I'm going to move some of my older, other leather related writings across to this blog.

I've been going back through some of what I've written before now as we prepare to go to Floating World.

I'll start with a diary entry from July '06, I was faced with trying to write a short summary profile of myself for the final Ohio Leather Fest. This is not the profile, but the thought process that went into the writing;

Ever tried to summarize portions of your life in a few sentences?

No part of my life lends itself to summaries like that- yet that's exactly what I'm trying to get out digitally at the moment; a bio of sorts. So as usual, I'm stuck.

Worse, I'm not just trying to describe what I am, I'm also trying to set up some very basic gates of what I'm not, so as to avoid certain easily made incorrect assumptions about me. People tend to make all kinds of assumptions not merely based on their projections and what vibe the pick up on, but yes, in person I do actual intentionally wear certain symbiology under the right conditions- however, those signals may not equally apply to say for instance, all genders equally, etc. (That's a really opaque way of saying what I'm trying to express. Let's try that again... .)

Ok, so some examples- I wear a collar- that does not mean I'm monogamous. Sometimes I wear a black bandanna and my keys on the left (signaling being a 'Top' or 'Domme', for complete lack of language). Firstly, what people need to understand is that does not mean I will top YOU- just any ole you in just any ole situation. Further, it does not mean I will "Top/Domme" men- in actuality I almost exclusively "Top/Domme" womyn. Not confused yet? Fine. Just keep in mind, the next night I may well show up wearing my keys on the right, stilettos locked around my ankles, in full "bottom"/"property" mode.

Now ready for bonus round confusion? I've been known to wear a locked collar around my neck, keys on the left, with bandanna, and heavy flogger on my belt. What's it mean? Well I belong to my Sir, and it is by his permission that I have the freedom I want to express these ("Top"/"Domme") parts of myself. I never forget I am His, but I'm also free to be myself.

So how in the hell do I summarize any of the realities of my life, distilled down into something that makes any sense to others?

I've been accused (lovingly!) of having San Francisco "pansexual" sensibilities about these things. I find this hysterical as at times, as in some spaces SF is even more tightly wound up about role, and 'proper ways of doing things' than most people imagine. There are times SF tends to make me wanna run the opposite direction rapidly. But I can see how all these things that get tangled up into nice neat little parameters and boundaries on this coast, in some spaces and times just don't always shake out that way on the sunset coast. "Bi" and "S/switch" and "pansexual" communities SOMETIMES eeeeek out a bit more space in the community there than in other cities- if only because SF is where so many have run to.

At its most basic, labels, containers, properly defined 'identities' just break when held up to how I live my life.

But then, I'm still looking for spaces with Queer sensibility that could somehow deal with Sir and I (an opposite gendered couple) as something other than a 'heterosexual' couple. Neither of us identify that way- despite the fact that Sir only sleeps with womyn. Politically, and sexually- as Queer Nation always defined "Queer" both Sir and I are best filed there-under.

So here I am again, staring at a blank sheet of paper and trying for the life of me to define basic linguistic assumptions I use in describing my life- like Queer, that no one else really has anymore- if they ever did.

Even a simple websearch on "Queer Nation" will come up with some hits, but very little by way of how QN used that word. And that's a fucking travesty- as that was perhaps one of the largest and most important legacies of QN.

There's this void that surely SOMEONE should have that up by now, but no. So how do I write even a simple profile using words that the meanings of as I use them are not only not in common usage, but are not anywhere digital I can point people at? As always, it seems, in order to even do the most basic job of trying to communicate I need instead to put the 'building blocks' of how I use language up first- and that's not going to happen right now.

Then there are places where there just is no language. What's the word for a womyn who almost exclusively dominates other womyn? A womyn who almost exclusively serves not men, but one particular Sir? There is no language for the fact that my life-partner is an exception to my usual desires and practices. What are words beyond "Top", "Dominant", "Domme" etc? We need new and descriptive language more badly than I can possibly express.